first entry

Never sure how to begin things like this. One thing I am sure about, is that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing here or how this Masters program works.

I thought I'd like to do my Masters for two reasons. 1 - because I felt like I was in a good space in my artistic practise and felt confident with what I was doing and 2 - because I'm in no way prepared mentally to work a 9-5 job 5 days a week. I am only in my early 20's but I will refuse to work any job full-time until it is something that I love and enjoy.

After the introduction to our space, fellow peers and some staff. I left feeling like a teenager whose just been given all the freedom they've been dying for, and now that I have it I'm kind of nervous and don't really want it but don't want to say I don't want it. A million thoughts rushed through my head instantly I need to be supervised, I need real adults. wtf im supposed to guide myself?!, one class a fortnight?- perfect, amazing. but how am I supposed to manage myself?!? wheres the heavily structured "META schedule" that i hate and refuse to look at but need for security sake. All these things + more milling through my mind. I get so tired and anxious listening to my thoughts.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is not bachelors material. This is different and I've got to step it up. Biiiig times. But I'm a Pisces introvert empath lil baby. Don't hurt my feelings. Don't hurt my loved ones feelings cos' that's even worse. I'm a dreamer I get lost in my thoughts and fantasies. A hopeless romantic and idealist. I feel like I feel everything, but then sometimes feel absolutely nothing. Water distracts me. Big bodies of it especially so. I am a Capricorn Sun and a Gemini Moon and boy that couldn't make more sense. My sun wants me to plan and create routines and structure, wants me to have constant drive and something beneficial happening always. Wants me to follow my dad and do what he thinks is best because he's "done it before" way back in farking 2003 bud. But I don't really wanna do that. I want to enjoy this experience.

And so that's what I'm gonna try do. I'm gonna try and stop being so anxious about study - idk why I even am?! (actually i do know why. because i expect so much from myself that i project and reflect this expectation onto others-back to myself which makes me feel like im compelled to perform well otherwise i'll explode) How lucky am I to be able to choose further study aye wtf gotta check my privilege BIG time. I'm gonna figure out what this program is to me, what I wanna do with it and enjoy the ride as best I can...

I'm not sure if this is the right place for me to write this seemingly nonsensical stuff but actually wateva

So that's that for a first post.

This entry is about 3 weeks late because I had treated myself to a tropical 23rd birthday in Rarotonga till 6th March then the very next day I flew out to Honolulu to attend the Honolulu Biennial because I said I'd like too in my application for the Maori Pacific Post-Grad Research Award and I got the Award, so I went. How fucking wild.

I'm back better and browner then everrr....